Monsieur René Artois Dancers (aka the NYFTE leaders)	The victorious Mid Morris.  Be afraid
NYFTE juniors showing how a bucket should be worn...	...although it does impair visibility

An in-depth report on the 2006 competition from Martyn Turner:

The most Important, The most Beautiful, The most Magical, Saggy old cloth bucket in the whole wide world. But Emily loved it

Spring Bank Holiday Sunday sees us once again gathered outside the Old Road Tavern in Chippenham waiting for the start of the 9th annual Stick & Bucket competition. Investigations are being made into the best method of bribing the judges (beer & chocolate) and the beardless youth of Essex are worriting about their dance, or rather how they can escape afterwards.

Elderflower morris organise the competition and therefore present a demonstration dance (although, as will become apparent, dance is a very loose term). This year they went back to their roots by corrupting an old folk song. On walks a morris man in traditional whites accompanied by 8 prospective wives & one mother-in-law. Notably one is about 10 months pregnant, and another is an ‘Equality & Diversity Bride’ or in other words: A Man. Off to one side we have a grandmother with her chest. So with all the players in place we are treated to the following song:

‘Morris man, Morris Man, won’t you marry me with your bucket stick & thumb’

‘Oh no, sweet maid I can not marry for I have no bells to put on’

‘So off she went to her Grandmothers chest & brought him some bells of the very very best’

‘And the morris man put them on’

His thumb was replaced by tum, bum & mum (who had a sign to that effect), whilst he was duly dressed with hankie, baldrick (No, Not Tony Robinson, but the straps worn across the chest), tankard, beard & hat, however in the last verse when he proclaimed he had no ‘Dance’ to put on, the brides (quite rightly) lost interest and sodded off.

This year we were treated to a record number of entries, first up was Gog Magog Molly. To describe them as psychedelic would perhaps be unfair, and to describe them as colourful an understatement. For those who know the writer of this piece, I’ll say that if I painted my face I could quite happily blend in, but I would be one of the least flamboyant members of the troupe. Their leader announced their stick & bucket dance, whereupon an internal argument broke out as it appeared there had been a touch of chinese whispers and the dance prepared was actually the Strip & Buttock. To their credit there was only one cry of ‘I don’t want to dance anymore’. When I subsequently learnt that a large number of the troup are students, this freudian slip became more understandable, as did their willingness to carry on regardless. But back to the dance, think ‘Duelling Banjos’, or ‘Anything You Can Do’. They treated it as a challenge match between the men & the women, with the men first taking off their hats and the women responding. Waistcoats & t-shirts followed they concluded with a traditional can-can finish, skirts over the head and buttocks in the air. Their exit as planned earlier: two notes & then EEK!, dashing into the crowd to reclaim their clothes.

By popular demand last year's star returned, no longer a paranoid android, but refurbished as a MorrisBot. For the Revenge of Marvin by Marvins Morris he had been fitted with a new shatter-resistant buckethead. His improvements however did not include actually fastening his head to the rest of his body, so he lost his head, which somebody promptly picked up & whacked him with until he was rescued by his support act, Marvin & the Mechanics, by being dumped into and carted off in a wheelbarrow.

Next up were St Paul's Pirates, six short people (& one big person) from a local school. Nice to see we’re corrupting them young. First three of them demonstrated a hornpipe around the other three who were washing something in the buckets with the sticks, all very Pugwash. Then on came the big person with a whirlygig which was used as a maypole (big person acting in lieu of a hole in the ground). From the buckets were produced three newly cleaned Jolly Rodgers which were hung upon the maypole.

This is the future of morris. Beware!

Dressed in the attire of french waiters and (more interestingly) waitresses came the Monsieur René Artois Dancers. First they danced into position a table, and then proceeded to set it with glasses, buns, grapes, wine small batons of bread, paté, a Bucket of wine, a bouquet of flowers and finally a french Stick. Once the table was laid it became apparent that this was one long exercise in bribery, as the contents of the table were proffered to, accepted and consumed by the judges as they deliberated.

Defending winners Wickham morris came on with a somewhat unsubstantial bucket with dirty great big gaps between the sticks that created it. When they removed half the sticks the binliner inside the ‘bucket’ fell over & spilt the water it contained leaving one of their member, a girl of about 8 just standing there with wet feet looking oh so forlorn. For the dance they were dressed up as workmen and danced round whacking each other.

Mid Morris. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The words’ I’m A Lady’ might give you some indication as to the inclinations of the participants. Unfortunately the attire of these bearded trannies is less Edwardian & more vamp, they would not look out of place on the docks or a street corner, and any seaman in the vicinity should beware. With their little red buckets and lip-Sticks they pranced around their handbags, and then loosed powder puffs from the buckets onto the audience. All this got Marvin very ‘excited’ and he started pleasing himself with one of the dancers, after striking Marvin's pole S/He remarked that S/He would come here again. I would like to say that they only dressed like this for the competition, but as I had seen them earlier and saw them on Monday flaunting themselves, I’d be lying through my teeth.

Only at the stick & bucket can you see things like that. (thankfully)

Last up were mini-NYFTE. On came the participants, garrotted by padded buckets worn on the head. Incidentally the usual context for the word padded in relation to members of NYFTE is with regards to a suggestion of confinement. It turned out that the buckets were padded for a very good reason as the dance was a variant on the 'whack the bucket' dance - it’s also just as well they were the miniature versions, as from having seen the full size folk terrorists in action previously, the light taps on the buckets would have been replaced with something exceedingly more violent. And to top it off a hidden bribe, which turned out to be a bag of Haribo.

Whilst the judges conspired, ate and drank the bribes, Marvin came up to respond to NYFTE’s website. At this I start getting a bit worried as I wrote it, fortunately it’s the headline that is being referred to, namely how NYFTE almost won last year, which is to say of course ‘They Lost’. They called forth the leader of the folk terrorists, aka Monsieur René Artois, and presented him with a packet of tissues to mop up his tears over losing. In response he invited Marvin to bail out the campsite with his head after the traditional British weather brought a drought of rain, rain & rain

So what have we seen?

Sex, Violence, Bread, Water (No fishes though), Cross dressing, naked bribery and the future of morris dancing.

Whilst the judges deliberated, our MC took the opportunity to reminisce about the last 9 years including the gorilla from the first year, and asked for assistance in collecting (incriminating) evidence and recollections for a 10th anniversary booklet. From my own point of view things have gotten sillier & sillier (No bad thing) but less & less Pratchettey. I’ve also worked out why Marvin is no longer depressed - it’s because he’s turned into a right randy little sod. Whilst they were deliberating he was molesting all and sundry, including the judges and the MC, until the latter finally called “Sit Marvin, SIT!”, which he duly did (on his own head).

And so the results

3rd

For excellent use of Stick & Bucket, St Paul's Pirates - this was followed by an invite for them to start a laundry and do the MC’s washing.

2nd

They should know better, Monsieur René Artois Dancers. It was however pointed out that Elderflower Judge will not accept bribes. (Ha!, how did she say that with a straight face when she has half a bread stick and various empty bottles of wine in front of her.)

1st

For shear gall, Mid Morris

So that wraps up the stick & bucket for another year, but if you can help Elderflower with memories or incriminating evidence please contact:

Jen Edwards Rowan@dredwards.freesrve.co.uk

Or

Heather Hirons Heather.hirons@UKonline.co.uk

And we look forward to seeing you next year on the Spring Bank Holiday Sunday at 6pm, Outside the Old Road Tavern, Chippenham